Am I a grownup?

This stems from an interesting message I got from my friend Brett on Facebook, that asked if his friends felt like grownups, if so do they feel that way all the time, and if so, when did it start?

My answer was that being a grownup was a gradual thing for me. It started when I had my first kid, got bigger when I bought my first house, second kid, getting married, moving to NC on my own, etc. It wasn't like I woke up one day and said wow....I'm a grownup. I think that being a grownup means two things: that you accept responsibility for your actions and that you have the ability to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life and you make them.

Everyday I'm faced with decisions, sometimes small, and sometimes big. I always make a decision....even if that decision is to not make a decision. I made the decision to get out of the Army, and I made that decision for my child, since I didn't think it was fair for a child to grow up without their father. Was some of it about me? Yes, at the time, but never the less I made the decision, and while I can't say I've never looked back, I've accepted it and forged a new path. The new path I chose had a speedbump, and I made a choice to break my new family apart, since the third member didn't really want to be in a family with me; another decision made without hesitation. I did look back at first, but quickly graduated from that.

My next big decision came as the result of another poor choice. Let it never be said that I don't take responsibility for my actions, that I have two kids should be proof positive of that. I made the decision again, to make a family, with my one child and my new baby. I knew it wasn't going to be a forever decision, even at the time, but it was a necessary decision. Since I had forged my new path, I knew that a time would come that I would be able to break away the fourth part of my family; and when that time came....I made that decision too. That is something I have honestly never looked back on.

While it may seem cold and callous, like I was stepping on someone to get to the top; I feel justified in my actions, since I wasn't doing it out of self interest....I was doing it for my kids. I would make the same decision again without hesitation. There is a lot I can forgive if it's done in the best interest of your children. It's funny to me that my decision to both make my family and break my family apart was done with the same result in mind, a better life for my kids.

I was on my new path, in my new career, and I realized I was not satisfied. So I looked for jobs that would satisfy my in the one place I wanted to go, the last place that really felt like home to me....and everywhere else in the meantime. I interviewed, was hired, and moved, just as quickly as I could, another big decision down, no looking back. This decision has had some ups and downs....some of which are the same things, but I'm forging ahead full steam ahead. At the end of the day, this was the best decision I've made in recent memory, since I have a job that satisfies me, and my kids are in a better place than we were, and happier for it.

I suspect my next big decision will be where to purchase a home, but I can't look that far ahead just yet. I'm taking things as they come, meeting my obligations, and making decisions every single day.

Do I feel like a grownup? Yes, most of the time, and I'm okay with that. I mean really, who wants to be a grownup all the time?

It's been a long time coming

I haven't written in forever. I was just talking to someone tonight about how I needed to get back into this again. I'm not going to go crazy on politics, though I may touch on it a bit, since it is my favorite thing to talk about.

I got the job I wanted, in the place I wanted, and the kids and I are settling in nicely. Some good things have happened, some drama has ensued, some more drama is about to ensue....the usual. I'm in North Carolina. I got the house, with a backyard, so the kids are satisfied. I'm currently sitting outside, on my back porch, enjoying North Carolina "fall" weather.

The new job. Love it. Love the work, the boss....most of the people there, all in all, it's a good thing. I'm getting to learn what this new career is all about, instead of just floating through it like I was doing at my last placeholder job. Emily is settling into school. It was something of a bumpy ride at first, but we're getting there. Bailey is doing very well as well. She's talking, happy (most of the time) and seems to really like it here as well.

I've gotten into contact with a lot of old friends. Some I should have, and some I shouldn't have. It'll all shake out as to which one is which....some sooner than others. I've rekindled and ended more friendships in the two months I've been here than I think the whole of my life....but I find that as I get older, there is less I will tolerate with regard to what is and is not acceptable within the boundaries of a friendship. I'm less forgiving than I was in the past.

I've compiled a mental list of things I have learned as I've gotten older:

1.)You can never be friends with someone too long to have no worry that they will stab you in the back.

2.) Men and women cannot be friends. Not ever. Not for extended periods of time. This one is particularly unfortunate, given that I have a lot of male friends from my Army days.

3.) It's easier for women with kids to find common ground and be friends.

4.) Women who don't want children have something wrong with them that is deep-seated and you can't fix it. It's why we are here, if not for that, what's the point of even being?

5.) If you know what someone looks like naked, you can't be their platonic friend again. Ever.

6.) I am a lot meaner than I give myself credit for. And apparently a lot more intimidating too.

7.) I am still a stupid girl. And I still have stupid girl feelings.

8.) When something is over, it is over forever.....you can't take back the past, and you can't change it to suit your needs.

That's what I have for now. I will add to this list (and subtract in the unlikely event that I prove myself wrong.

The kids are getting ready to start out of home daycare, as my brother is leaving this week to go back to Philly. I'm both happy and sad about that. I'll miss him, but it will be nice to have my house back to myself.

I like being alone. I don't need someone to complete me. I am a grownup, and fully happy and capable by myself. Though it would be nice to have someone to take out the trash and squash bugs for me.

I cannot stand the hippies protesting Wall Street. It's stupid, childish and infantile. Not to mention hypocritical and ironic that these kids are protesting corporate greed, while mourning Steve Jobs and wearing brand name clothing. Not to mention living off their parents, or the government. I don't understand how people have this idea that they must have things handed to them...without putting the work in to earn anything. Get a job hippie!!!!

That's all for now. More to come later.